[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
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Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Social distancing in Australia:
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Stop.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.