Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
You Might Also Like
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Yup.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
need him
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.