credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
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Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED