A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
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“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Best spot.. 😅
Not all heroes wear capes….
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.