Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
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Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.