Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
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Rooting for the overdog
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.