COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
This rocks
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.