My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
You Might Also Like
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall