I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?