When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
british sex workers really pound for pound
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant