I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
You Might Also Like
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?