Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
You Might Also Like
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”