I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
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Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.