{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
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(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.