Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
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I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?