I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this