Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
You Might Also Like
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…