If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I need better friends
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Hank is one in a melon.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.