Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼