Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
You Might Also Like
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
yeet
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”