Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
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Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I get distracted pretty eas
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.