Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
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My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.