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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.