Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
🌱🌱🌱
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?