Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
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did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
No laws when master is gone
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Just parrot things
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.