My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
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me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
cats when you pet them too long:
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.