Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
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Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
channeling her this year
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes