“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.