They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not