Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
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Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
the Monday after daylight savings
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.