lmaaaaaooooooooo
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The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Comparing yourself to others
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.