Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
plant them where lol
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
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Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.