kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
You Might Also Like
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Accurate
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport