Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
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If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.