[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
That took me a moment.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.