7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
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What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Attacked by a mop.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to