Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Boating season is upon us.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.