One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!