The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Genius idea!!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit