best first i’ve ever seen
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Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
iPhone X
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.