Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
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angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Hilarious if literal: arms race
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water