Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”