Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Grandmother clock.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.