My friend is an excellent librarian.
You Might Also Like
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
What?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.