“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding