My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Chicken bread
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.