The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
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I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home