What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.