“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
You Might Also Like
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.