I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
plant them where lol
moms in horror movies
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.